It’s a running gag in my household that we have too many dipping sauces. Specifically mustards. To me, there’s no such thing. But to my partner, well, let’s just say the words, “More mustard!?” come out of her mouth like a catchphrase.
The truth is, I don’t know how it got to this point. About a year ago, Victoria decided that, for some reason, she wanted to live with me—with two pets in a Manhattan studio apartment at that.
Not one day after that happened, I inexplicably started littering our fridge with condiments, many of them mustards, ranging from store-brand to French import. While she’s repeatedly suggested tossing a few out, it’s my opinion that each one has its own unique flavor profile worth keeping around.
Also, I should mention, I really like chicken nuggets. And to keep things interesting in any relationship (still talking about chicken nuggets btw), you’ve gotta mix it up now and then.
All that being said, some of these mustards in my fridge had never been opened prior to the taste testing I performed solely for the purpose of this article. It’s not that I was never going to try them, I was just waiting for the right moment… to rank them for this website.
And that’s exactly what I did.
1. Sierra Nevada Mustard Pale Ale
Possibly the most fine-tuned to my own palate, the pale ale and honey spice mustard from Sierra Nevada is one in a collection of three. The others include a spicy brown porter and a stoneground stout. I like this one because it’s sweet and tangy, without either of those things taking on too dominant a role.
To be fair, sweet and spicy is my favorite combination of flavors in general, so you might not agree that this IPA-inspired blend glazes perfectly over a warm breaded chicken breast nugget. Those expecting it to taste like an actual beer will frankly also be disappointed.
2. Sweet Hot Mister Mustard
When Lena nominated this one on my dipping sauce Co-Op earlier in the week, I was disappointed to see that it only got three likes (including the one from yours truly). Because Sweet Hot Mister Muster kinda owns despite its pervasiveness. Again, sweet and spicy wins the race for me.
It’s basic, sure, but every now and then you want comfort sauce. And Sweet Hot Mister Mustard is that sauce for me. It reminds me a bit of the hot mustard sauce I used to get from McDonald’s as a kid. Is that still a thing? Who cares, Mistard Mustard is my new (second) best friend.
3. Delouise Curry and Coriander
The only reference to this one I can find online comes from a Reddit post on r/mustard, which likely means it’s a local joint. Purchased from Le District, a French market in my neighborhood, the Delouise France Mustard with Curry and Coriander has a fragrant smell, as you might expect from a curry sauce.
Its taste is dusky and can be potent if you’re not expecting it. The flavor creeps up on you, and though it might at first leave an unsettling aftertaste, it grows on you. And before you know it, you’ll keep coming back like a regular.
4. Maille Sun-Dried Tomato and Espelette Chili Pepper
Ever find yourself munching on your office supply of Garden Salsa Sun Chips? Then you’ll love Maille Sun-Dried Tomato and Espelette Chili Pepper mustard. It may be a hint too salty, but once you get past that, its tangy sun-dried tomato accent really packs a punch.
Admittedly, chicken nuggets aren’t the best vessel for consuming such a high-end dressing. Then again, the same can be said for most of the products on this list. And as I’m sure you know by now, that’s never stopped me before. Still, I am wondering how I’d rank it given the proper sandwich as a base.
5 and 6. Sir Kensington’s Honey Mustard / Spicy Brown Mustard
It’s hard to say how fair I’m judging these considering my bottles of Sir Kensington’s have outlived their packaging design. Even so, I have a soft spot for my monocle-wearing gentleman over here. Although it is a bit too liquidy, but you can chalk that up to months of neglect.
I combined these two entries because, honestly, I forgot to take notes on the honey mustard spread. The spicy brown, on the other hand, tastes exactly as you’d expect. Like it’d be better on a soft pretzel. As Victoria said about this one, “It’ll do.” It’s safe to assume the same can be said for the SK honey version.
7. Edmond Fallot Pinot Noir Dijon Mustard
Now I’ll start off by saying my partner said this was one her favorites, so it’s possible my taste buds have yet to evolve to the point of appreciating this particular variant of dijon. There’s a high chance it’s too bougie for my dipping snack of choice as well.
The Emdon Fallot Pinot Noir dijon mustard is likely to cause friction in a household of diverse palates. And when I say it’s visually unpleasant, let me be clear: it looks like doo-doo. Don’t be alarmed by its muddy appearance, though, as I’m told it “tastes like grapes.” Even if, to me, it tastes like cheap wine.
8. French’s Classic Yellow Mustard
Note to self: shake before you squeeze. Otherwise, prepare for a golden shower fit for a president. Even if you do manage to control your trajectory, French’s Classic Yellow mustard looks like diarrhea in the shallow end of a pool when the vinegar breaks off from the rest of its ingredients.
All in all, its diluted, watered down consistency holds it back from being anything more than ballpark hot dog fare. Mix it with a little honey and a little mayo, however, and you’ve got yourself a treat.
9. Best Yet Honey Mustard Dressing
I think this one came from Gristedes, my least favorite grocery store in all of New York City. If the rest of its product selection is any indication, this honey mustard was probably overpriced, and it was definitely gross to put in my mouth. The moment I squeezed the bottle onto my nug, it prematurely ejaculated a nauseating volume of liquid. (Vinegar I’m guessing.)
In the end, I think I’d rather eat my nugget plain than go through the trouble of eating what can only be described as desperation mustard again. Maybe instead of Best Yet, they should have called it Worst Yet. Owned.
10. Ground Mustard w/ Mayo
When Tercius suggested I include mustard powder in this piece, I have to admit, I had no idea how to apply it to a chicken nugget. But god damn it, I was going to try. After learning that making my own mustard would take more than 20 minutes, I took the easy way out and mixed ground mustard with mayo.
And who would’ve guessed? It sucked! Two lessons learned from this: 1) less is more when it comes to powdered mustard condiment blends and 2) ground mustard + mayo isn’t the winning combo I’d hoped for. Seriously, don’t try this at home unless you’re willing to put in the time and effort to follow a recipe.
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