(Disclaimer: This post reflects only the feelings of the author. The rest of the Deadspin staff wants to assure our readers we will definitely not be cheering for the Patriots under any circumstances whatsoever.
On everything I love, I better not see ANY of y’all wearing Patriots jerseys now.
Nope. Don’t even try it.
I don’t care if you’re Black.
I don’t care if you’re from Atlanta. 28-3, forever.
I don’t care if you went to Westlake High School, the University of Florida, Blinn College or Auburn.
I don’t care if you are a diehard Carolina Panthers fan and are still upset with how your team treated the best player in franchise history.
If you’ve ever hated Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, made a joke about spygate/cheating/deflated balls, or just hate us because we ended your team’s season….
Don’t.
You.
Dare.
Cheer.
For.
Us.
Now.
Just hate us like you always have. Hate the excellence. Hate the precision. Hate the “boring” locker room culture. Hate the “Patriot Way.” Hate our post-game press conferences. And hate the fact that we just lost the greatest football player of all-time, and are about to replace him with a former MVP that has a chip on his shoulder that’s bigger than a “Karen’s” objection when she’s forced to wear a mask while shopping at Trader Joe’s.
“Former NFL MVP Cam Newton has reached agreement on a one-year, incentive-laden deal with the New England Patriots, league sources tell @mortreport and me
“Newton now will step into the mix to try to help replace former Patriots’ QB Tom Brady,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter tweeted on Sunday night.
“New Patriots’ QB Cam Newton turned 31 years old last month, what for what many quarterbacks is the prime of their career,” he added.
Today is a great day. It’s even better that I predicted it.
“Hey Bill….
I started drinking because I’m in pain that my guy White Jesus (Tom Brady) ain’t coming back.
The only way these sorrow drinks turn into celebration drinks is if you go get Cam Newton.
I can’t do Jarrett Stidham.
Please Bill….get it done,” I tweeted on March 17, the day we learned that Brady’s days as a Patriot were over.
Newton was the only chance we had. And due to other teams’ stupidity, and Belichick’s ability to always make the best business decision, we’re adding Newton to a team that won 12 games last season.
We don’t rebuild. We reload.
But, since we’re the Patriots, of course there had to be some drama attached to this day.
“NFL has handed down these penalties to the Patriots for their television crew filming the Bengals-Browns game in December, sources tell @MikeReiss:
🏈$1.1 million in club fines.
🏈Loss of 2021 third-round pick.
🏈Patriots’ TV crews not allowed to shoot games during 2020 season,” Schefter also reported on Sunday night.
You happy now?
Or are you even more upset because we’re the only team in NFL history that could be hit with those kinds of penalties, and it’s not even the biggest story of the day.
People often hate those they want to be like, but can’t. And while I know that some of you are probably online searching for No. 1 Newton jerseys right now in red, white and blue. Just know that when you show up at the bus stop in your new gear trying to hop on your bandwagon, your access will be denied.
Go back to hatin’ from the sidelines.
Welcome to the dark side, Cam.
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