I bet we all kind of remember that kid from high school who was a painful, socially inept dork who nevertheless craved the approval and attention of the popular kids with an often terrifying ravenousness. That was the same kid who discovered drinking and weed by the end of senior year, and re-worked his whole personality to be anchored on those two things that he knew were easy paths to popular-kid acceptance. Elon Musk is the Final Form of that kid, and he’s reminded us with some ridiculously overpriced dumb joke shorts that sold out, bafflingly, on the Tesla website.
The satin short shorts (inferior, if you ask me, to a good, honest pair of hot pants) were sold by Tesla as a sort of elaborate joke about people that Elon accuses of short selling Tesla stock, which is where investors can profit from short-term drops in stock prices, and this is a practice Elon seems to hate, and likes to blame drops in Tesla’s stock price on the nefarious actions of such sellers.
Tesla’s stock value recently surpassed Toyota’s, making Tesla the most “valuable” carmaker in the world, at least from a stock perspective, which, it should be clear, is not a real-world perspective. Remember, Tesla built about 300,000 cars last year while Toyota built over 11 million. They’re not in the same class.
Even so, it’s an impressive-sounding thing no matter what, so, to celebrate, Tesla put these red satin shorts with a gold Tesla logo and “S3XY” (those are the model names of the Tesla lineup and —hold on!—that looks like the word “SEXY!” How many levels does this go, Elon?) on the ass and sold them for $69.420.
The reason it’s that weird-looking price that goes needlessly into the thousanths-of-a-cent position is that, duh, it’s the sex number (69, in case you’ve just awoken from a coma you went into when you were 10 and just before your older brother promised to explain it to you) that visually references the act of mutual oral-to-genital stimulation between two inverted partners, and the 420 is, of course, the slang for the commonly-enjoyed drug marijuana, based on some arcane pothead lore.
If you’re, say, a 14-year-old boy unburdened by an excess of friends or life experience, this is hilarious.
Even more hilarious, I suppose, is that Tesla’s entire supply of nearly $70 red satin shorts sold out in a very short amount of time, making the company a nice chunk of change, considering similar shorts can be had for really, really cheap.
So, yeah, welcome to reality! I think you’ll find that it’s pretty stupid, and kinda sucks! But I’m sure your slippery $70 shorts made for a dumb joke by a deeply insecure billionaire will make your genitals feel absolutely incredible.
Anyway, Tesla normally makes electric cars and has yet to announce a greater shift into pelvis-wear.
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