Putin Annexes Sky, Exiles Dissident Clouds

There will be no clouds over Moscow on May Day—because military planes will spray them with liquid nitrogen, granulated carbon dioxide and special cement, miles before they ever get to the city. The chemically perforated sky pests will then either immediately disperse or void themselves first, deluging premature rainwater on whatever villages or suburbs they’re over at the time.

The Moscow Times reports that a sunny May 1st will cost the Russian government $1.3 million (86 million rubles), which is whatever. It’s decades-old Soviet tech which Russia already uses three times a year—on V-Day, Russia Day and Moscow City Day. Last year, the annual “holiday meteorological defense” spending almost tripled to $6.45 million (430 million rubles), Interfax notes. It was a special “70th anniversary of Victory in the 1941-1945 Great Patriotic War” (and Putin’s 15th anniversary as Russia’s head of state), so the celebratory show in the Red Square went particularly all out, with bigger fireworks and baby acrobatHolocaust death camp prisoners and everything.

Cloud control is new for May Day, but this year it also coincides with Eastern Orthodox Easter, and Russia’s been feeling very spiritual lately. Provided no bags of cement fail to pulverize and crash through someone’s roof this time, it will be a beautiful day. Perfect weather for perfect-teethed dolphins, Corgi police puppies and gun-twirling seals as Russia transforms into the real-life anime Russia So Crazy, What Crimea? Look Over Here.