I know I often write about my issues with Teslas — of whichI havemany — but I actually do think their cars’ fundamental design, drivetrain, battery tech, and packaging is excellent, and I appreciate their commitment to goofy things. I’m all for fun silly things in cars. And, it seems people have discovered a fun, silly thing in their Teslas. Even better, it involves buttholes. I do, however, have a conceptual problem with this butthole-related Easter Egg. I’ll explain.
Here’s the what the Easter Egg is: If you use the voice commands in your Tesla, you can say “open butthole” to the car, and the rear-side-marker-lamp-mounted charge port will open.
This seems to have been discovered by Twitter user @tesla_master, who I guess is actually a Tesla master, since he even thought to tell his car to open its butthole for him, for some reason.
I wonder if the car’s safeword is “sparkplug?” That’s what I’d use.
Anyway, the butthole thing seems to have been confirmed by other Tesla owners having fun telling their cars to open buttholes:
It also appears that “bunghole” can work for these open/close commands, and there’s a number of other mildly risqué commands you can give your Tesla if you’re feeling saucy:
Okay, this is all fun and I’m delighted both the engineers and owners are enjoying a good chuckle here, but I feel like there’s something very important, conceptually, to note here:
The charging port is not the equivalent to a butthole. It’s really the equivalent of a mouth.
I mean, think about it — fundamentally, the anus is an exhaust port. In the case of most animal life equipped with anuses (as opposed to a cloaca, which is a sort of general use waste/reproduction port), it’s used to eject wastes, either gaseous or solid.
At the other end of the alimentary canal is the mouth, which is used to intake sustenance.
So, what is the charge port used for on a Tesla? It’s sustenance! It’s providing electricity to the car, which is, effectively, the car’s equivalent of eating.
Even if we look at the case where a Tesla’s charge port could be use to power something else, such as putting electricity back into the grid, that’s closer to a mother bird regurgitating food to feed her babies. It’s not waste, it’s sustenance, just redirected outward.
This is not the first time I’ve considered the role of the anus in relation to automobiles; for ICE cars, I’ve previously asserted that exhaust pipes are the anuses of combustion cars:
While the technologies are different, the concepts are the same: on an ICE car, the port where sustenance enters (fuel) is the mouth (fuel filler), and the port where waste products are ejected is the anus (exhaust pipe).
On an EV, the port where sustenance enters is the mouth (charge port) and for waste products, well, it’s a little trickier, because the waste is really produced at the point where the electricity is generated in the first place — a coal plant or a nuclear plant or whatever.
But, the great thing about EVs is that it’s possible there’s no real butthole in the system at all, if the electricity comes from solar or wind or tidal or something like that.
On the car itself, the closest thing to a waste product is likely heat, so, for a Tesla, I’d say the butthole is really the cooling system.
I know the charge port is at the rear of the car, but I don’t think I can support the analogizing of an EV’s charge port as an asshole.
I’m sorry. I know you’re having fun and all, but car anthropomorphizingis just too important to me, and as this nation’s leading self-appointed Car Anthropomorphization Czar, I’m going to have to decree that EV charge ports, no matter their location, are mouths, not anuses.
I trust Tesla will update this in their next over-the-air update. If they still need a vaguely dirty thing to call it, maybe they can do “open ass-mouth” or “open electron hole” or “say aaaah.”
Hm. “say aaahh” works better for opening the front trunk, visually. Still, I stand by my point here: if it takes in sustenance, it’s not a butthole.
I mean, I eat things, and I can be a butthole, but that’s different, dammit.
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