There are some things out there—things like Truck Nutz—that you just can’t imagine anyone thought of before it oh so recently appeared on this earth. But, when in doubt—the ancient Romans probably did it first.
“No, absolutely not,” I can hear you cry—0because I, too, felt the same. “I refuse to believe that the noble society that gave us aqueducts, sewer systems, the postal service, and rampant graffiti could possibly have created something as heinous as Truck Nutz!”
But it’s true. I’d like to introduce you to Fascinus, an actual phallic god worshipped by actual Romans. Back then, penises weren’t necessarily confined to the realm of sex and dirty humor. They were symbols of strength and power, and displaying one was through to protect against ill will and sickness—a belief that, apparently, still exists amongst the cretins who spend their free time filling inboxes with dick pics. Here’s more from A Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology, Volume 2 by William Smith, an encyclopedia so notable that it has its own Wikipedia page:
[Fascinus’] worship was under the care of the Vestals; and generals, who entered the city in triumph, had the symbol of Fascinus fastened under their chariot, that he might protect them from envy.
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So what was Fascinus’ symbol? A flying penis. A penis with wings. A penis with wings that sometimes had a penis for a tail and a penis clutched in each talon.
Now, that’s not quite the same as Truck Nutz—there were no scrota involved in the original Fascinus icons—but the likeness is hard to ignore. Putting weenies on vehicles has not been a particularly widespread trend throughout history, I have to say.
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If you think about it, it’s not too surprising—Ancient Romans also gave us the mind-boggling habit of needing to draw penises on literally everything that plagues middle school boys to this day. If there is any society out there who would add the male genitalia to their mode of travel, it would be the Romans.
As someone who has never felt compelled to put nuts on my car, I couldn’t tell you what the purchasers of such items were thinking when they bought them. But I imagine it was something involving crude humor and a full embrace of one’s masculinity, which is kinda what the Romans were all about. We’ve all been judging the people with nuts on their car, and the nut-bedecked truck drivers have simply laughed, protected by our ill will by the scrotum dangling from the rear end.
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